Consolidate Business Debt
The Monte Carlo Iridium and Double Gold Professional. (Credit Card)
That'll do it. That's a good name for my Credit Card Business.
Isn't it great, we are all courted and highly valued by so many Companies.
They write to us all the time. They want to confirm how upstanding and
absolutely top notch we are by offering us their credit card. We feel
gratified by the offer alone, it implies status, that all-important thing to
which we are all aspire. It looks like a good thing so I'll jump on the
bandwagon. For my Credit Card Company I did consider. 'The Workers Plywood
Card.' or 'Hard-Up Imitation Vinyl Card.' but decided against. I also
considered the silly names that one would think had no chance at all, but of
course one would be wrong. 'Put it on my Goldfish' is not a joke at the
expense of fish or shop assistants. It's as successful as Billy Connolly.
Metal is good in the name. Gold is old hat though. Everyone has Gold Cards
and they are beginning to be viewed with suspicion. To own a silver card is
to skulk from place to place with the coat collar up. Platinum has been
done, so I have chosen Iridium, I don't know what is it, but the 'um's' are
automatically good, financially. Better not go to Uranium and Plutonium as
it might frighten people, especially if the card could be made to glow in
the dark. Actually now I think about it, that might have been great but it's
too late, the new stationery order has gone to the printers. The necessary
exclusivity for my Credit Card is provided by the Monte Carlo element of the
name, not that I've got anything to do with the place. I ruled out
'International' as there are poor people in the world. No poor people in
Monte and with my card it's almost the same as having a yacht and
bodyguards. Imagine my card was the 'Wigan Iridium etc.' Might as well
call it 'Fish and Chips', hang on, that's not bad. The inverted snobs would
have a smile when they flashed it at Fortnum's ...'Put it on my Fish and
Chips please.' Too late, gone to the printers. Not only are we courted and
our self-esteem increased by every post with Credit Card offers, there are
also a vast band of philanthropists who wish to send us a lot of money. What
is so good about them is that they like difficulties. If you are financially
prudent, happily married, never been in the County Court, and kept up the
mortgage payments religiously, they might still consider us, but with less
relish. No, it's the tough ones they want, if you own a house. 'Mortgage
arrears no problem.' 'Your home is at risk if you do not keep up the
repayments.' Those two statements appear together very often, very odd.
Unless they actually want your house. Surely not? Ask yourself, how can
someone, presented with a history of imprudent debt and failure to repay
still lend money to you? Exactly.
I think these philanthropists work on categories.
No house, owned or mortgaged..........................NO.
With house. Poor and fairly stupid.....................YES. (The preferred
category.)
Ditto............Hard working but fairly stupid.......YES.
Ditto............High earning, high spending, designer labels.....YES.
Try an application if your address is cardboard box no 3, Under Westminster
Bridge?
Perhaps in due course all the property in the country will be owned by these
lenders? I guess it would be but they'll recycle. Sell it and another
potential customer is created.
These philanthropists have lovely respectable names, and have virtually
given away billions already. They specialise in 'consolidation'.
(Consolidate=Worsen. The words debt, owing and borrowing are avoided)) How
we all wish we could 'consolidate', so solid a word, how Stock Exchange, how
Coutts and Co. Why, we are almost a 'name' at Lloyds when we 'consolidate'.
It would almost be worth getting into debt to do it. What it actually means
is that you will be paying for last year's holiday in Tenerife for five or
ten years instead of one, and you may well become homeless as well. We feel
gratified by acceptance for a loan and we are amazed at how easy it was. We
can use the money for any purpose. We have a good 'status', are models of
fiscal probity. We may think this means a general discussion has taken
place in the Philanthropists inner sanctum, when our ears burnt, about what
an all round good egg we are. This is not so. In fact the top usurer, having
checked most carefully that they stand to gain yet another house, stamps OK
on your application. Then they look at their proposed new advertising
campaign. A poor sod has the oak bank doors slammed in his rainswept face. A
maze is full of woebegone divorcees, old people, debtors, who don't know
which way to turn. Then the reverse, when the philanthropists have
'consolidated' them. The bespectacled children who can now go to Roedean,
the classic sports car, the new kitchen, the holiday, the happiness. There
it ends. There are no pictures of phase three, which is, a never-ending
millstone of repayments, an eviction, a divorce, a childrens home, and bed
and breakfast with the asylum seekers. 'What a lot of money people must
owe.' We say this to ourselves with self-righteous smugness if we are not in
the same position. We grin, with rueful glee. 'How can they ever pay it all
back? ' Well very often they can't and I shouldn't mind a few houses houses
myself, so if you can't beat 'em join 'em'. My Empire, The Wensum Group of
Companies is going into banking. The name of the credit card is now fixed
and I shall go into the consolidation business. I shall need to borrow a bit
of money to start. I can do that easy enough, I've got my house for
security. Nothing can possibly go wrong.
That wouldn't be the Rev Perkins of the Fareham Union of Christian
Kinship by any chance, would it?